Thursday, September 8, 2011

It Might Really Be All About Me

It's very possible that I take things for granted... Probably true, more than possible, actually.

I'm beautiful. I'm smart, I'm confident, I'm sometimes militant, I'm exceptionally dry and negative... and I'm intimidating.

But above all that, I'm also something even rarer and more special than those things - honest with myself.

I think that lately honesty has become a rare sight, and it seems like the only person I know who is in control of it is yours truly. That may actually be more difficult than being honest with myself. I want someone else to be in control of their mortal bodies and tongues too, and it seems like that's too much to ask.

Here's what I can offer in the way of personal honesty today:

I'm frustrated by most people's level of personal honesty.
I'm needy when it comes to friendship and romantic relationships.
I want people to think I'm as awesome as I know I am.
I need control like some people need food.
I have beautiful elven ears, but I cover them with hair because I'm self-conscious.
I am awesome at my job, but only because I insist on working harder and longer than everyone around me.
I sometimes (okay, usually) neglect houseplants.
I'm fiercely loyal to the people I love.
I'm a ridiculously good cook when I care about the eater.
I have issues with abandonment.
I have serious health problems that I'd prefer everyone just ignore rather than deal with.
I'm unnaturally stressed out right now by 'giving'.
I have too many conversations with my cat.
I exact a very high standard from my friends and require an unspoken contract of communication. I tell you what I think and what I'm afraid of, and I expect the same in return.
Above all of these things, I care when someone hurts the people I love. It hurts me too, more. This is not okay.

In addition to beautiful, smart and honest - I'm frail, sensitive and abrupt. I can admit these things about myself because I see the value in being a human that is well-rounded and not always sunny. I categorically prefer people like this in my life, who are joyful and sad, loud and quiet, funny and serious, boisterous and shy. It's a requirement that if you want to be in my real circle, you give me both sides of you. And that you don't hide either of your faces. I realize how demanding this sounds. Let's just skip all the uncomfortable bits and be 'real' for the love of corn!

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