Friday, May 6, 2011

Questionably Important Superpowers

I often wonder which of my quirks would make the best superpower. There are some things I am dangerously good at doing.

1. I could fight evil grammar with my extraordinary proofreading skills. I can spot a misspelling a mile away. I could use this to embarrass leaders of the opposition.
2. I can make really, really, bad food if I try hard and care (I'm usually trying to make good food when this happens). We could use this food for torcher in Guantanamo Bay, or as part of a nonviolent protest, or to make solid-food-waste cannonballs.
3. I am able to forget things almost immediately. I could operate a special division of the CIA that requires clearance so top-secret, you have to forget everything your boss tells you. If you happen to know anyone in the CIA, get me in to pitch this idea before I forget.
4. I can read minds... well really only one mind, my cat Enzo's. But by reading his mind, I could distract bad guys as I stun them with my cat-listening skills. Right now, he's wishing he had a tiny pillow to put his kitty-head on so he wouldn't drool.
5. I can keep count of people speaking/writing several concurrent annoying or incorrectly used phrases at one time. For instance, I can tell you how many times Bart has used the word 'ate' incorrectly, called Ben Folds - bensfolds, and how many 'new brauns fels' trips we've taken. I have chihuahua-like focus. The house might be on fire but if someone is saying a trigger word, I'm listening. I could be a code-talker.
6. The most likely superpower to make me a hero: nuclear knees. My knees heat up at random times, becoming 20-30 degrees hotter than the surrounding leg. It usually happens at night, sometimes only one knee at a time, but when it happens, I could use the knees for the powers of good. I could skid across ice on my knees, melting it to allow safe ice passage for ships in the winter or melt a snow cave to rescue crash victims in the himalayas. Cook eggs on them for refugees. Maybe even focus the energy into little knee-mounted laser beams to decapitate my enemy... they're a renewable energy source so they could have limitless possibilities.

I know other people with superpowers too... I have a friend who can identify scents with a single smell. He can't be fooled. Stick a candle in front of his face, he'll know what it's supposed to smell like. He could identify clues left behind by sniffing them. I have another with the ability to write whole books in passive voice. It's uncanny, really. If our enemy were an English teacher, she'd kill him with her words. I have a friend with exceptional measuring and leveling skills. He can detect minute imperfections in any structure or hanging picture. He would fatally distract our enemy if they were obsessive-compulsive.

I could assemble my very own league of questionably-important gentlemen.